I Am Spacuna

"Civilization is a conversation over time."

2006-08-19T06:52:15Z

No one who knows me will be surprised by my odd and well-documented fan girl obsession with the U.S. Supreme Court. My pin-up love for John Roberts Jr. hasn't diminished, although I would be lying if I said I didn't miss cranky old Rehnquist, waving his walking stick violently at reporters attending his morning walks. Alito is not very interesting to me, mostly because he doesn't have weird doilies popping out of the top of his robe like The O'C did.

Speaking of The O'C, I have been recording C-Span's America & The Courts on my DVR and I love it. They had a great award program honoring The O'C herself attended by Ruth Bader Ginsburg and John Roberts Jr a while back. There was thunderous applause at the end of the speech so she had trouble finishing with her big finale about being the first woman on the Supreme Court. "I look forward to the third, the fourth and the fifth!" clearly indicating her preference for the majority of the court to reflect the majority of the population. I agree.

More recently, I caught a speech by Justice Kennedy at the ABA Convention in Hawaii earlier this month. I have never followed him closely, and this was the first speech of his I ever witnessed. It was great. I now have a new pin-up for my wall. Here are some of my favorite moments from the speech:

"The enlightenment was of tremendous importance to the civilized world. Isaac Newton, for over a hundred years, was the most famous person in the world. The average person didn't read his thesis on physics, but this business about the apple falling down made sense. And people wondered 'If we can explain the laws of the universe, can't we explain the principles that should control a government? Can't we have a government by conscious design?' And so the framers drafted the American Constitution."

I loved his direct connection between the advancement of science and our ability to create our own destiny as a society. The only way to create progress is by distinguishing reality from myth and superstition.

"The framers knew that they weren't prescient enough and they were not brazen enough to specify all of the elements of justice. They knew this could become an apparent only over time. They knew that the whole purpose of a Constitution is to arise above the inequities and the injustices that you can't see. But now we are in an era, where I sense something different is happening. We know that 'truth' needs no translation. There is a word for 'truth' in every language. We know that the world is getting smaller. We know that the rule of law is essential. We hear a lot about security. But our best security, ultimately our only security, is in the world of ideas. And I sense a slight foreboding. I sense that we are not making the case as well as we ought."

I think he has really hit the core of the issue we have, especially in the Middle East. The value of democracy is participation and engagement in change. There is a resistance to want to understand why we are resented around the world, but I don't think we are hated and resented. I think it is their frustrated attempt to engage in a change, to affect their own destiny. But we have to make the case that our path of reasoned and modulated change over time is better than chaos, terror and totalitarianism, even as we struggle ourselves with the slowness of that reasoned change in our march of equality at home.

Justice Kennedy talked about clean water in Africa and that the main issue blocking the most fundamental need in human existence was not science, but government corruption. The law only works when people respect it, and they feel that the government they share is worthy of that respect. This is the fundamental problem in Iraq. It is lovely that people voted in the election, but the elected officials need to be worthy of that vote. As we see at home, if politicians don't operate as promised, the electorate gets very cranky. But we have a foundation of democracy to temper our feelings. It is much harder to create that same foundation of trust that we have out of a bad situation of bombings and terror. Election cycles and change seem far away compared to car bombs and explosions.

"For us, law is a liberating force. It's a promise, it's a covenant. It says that 'you can hope, you can dream, you can dare. You can plan. You have joy in your existence.' That's the meaning of the law as Americans understand it. And that's the meaning of the law that we must explain to a doubting world where the verdict is still out."

I think it is easy to forget the importance of consistency in our American experience. Life here is not perfect but there are certain things you can count on. I was reading some crappy in-flight magazine a few years back and an economist wrote about the importance of the basic right to own land. He described it as the backbone of the human experience and more importantly civilization as we know it. If people can depend on the land they own (that no one will suddenly take it from them, or blow it up randomly and leave them with nothing) they can make plans, for home, for family, for business. The chaos of life is what prevents the stability and wealth we know here at home. Iraq can never be free without the security of a consistent notion of law, of property, and of common sense and reason. Until we convince them that this level of consistency (and not corruption and chaos) works, there can be no peace in the world.

A Variety Of Musings

2006-07-17T06:25:36Z

I think the world is a much scarier place when I find myself regularly agreeing with George Will.

So for weeks now, I have been drenched in flop sweat at the prospect of World War III. Iraq is something of a mess, or if you run Iran, something of an opportunity! Today on "This Week" they played a clip of the Chief of Staff of the Army. Here's the upside:

"Reporter: Are we winning the way in Iraq?"

General: Are we winning? Well, I wouldn't say we're losing."

So I am no military expert and even though I was against this stupid war in the first place, the last thing we need is Saigon II (think of the awful Broadway musical it might spawn!), with Iran picking up Iraq like 70% off shoes at the Barney's Warehouse Sale. Iranq, an amusing joke from the Harvard Lampoon in the mid-80s is no longer as hilarious as it once seemed.

Now, here comes Hamas and Hezbollah (and why on earth can't American reporters pronounce it like they do in Israel... are they afraid of seeming biased toward Israel or something equally stupid? Because I don't think the Prime Minister is pronouncing it wrong, Wolf Blitzer) and Israel is turning selected portions of Lebanon into swiss cheese. Here is my plan for middle east peace:

"Hello. This is the Prime Minister of Israel. Everyone has 72 hours to evacuate the Gaza Strip because we are going to bomb it back into the stone age, bulldoze every single scrap of everything there, and then plant a new forest and declare the whole area a National Park. No campers after dark."

Let Egypt, Jordan and Syria have a taste of Hamas for a while in a Mideast rendition of You, Me, and Dupree. Oh yes, I see his hand waving violently in the air, so let us not forget about that tireless attention whore North Korea. Talk about your bastard step-child desperate for Daddy's love.

In the end, U.S. diplomacy all boils down to parenting tactics. Clinton was the hands-on dad who smothered you in love and always kept an eye on you. Bush is the stern, absentee father who shows up brandishing his belt after you did something wrong. Meanwhile, these rogue nations are just tempermental teenagers, slamming doors and insisting that as soon as they get nuclear weapons of their own, they are sooooooo out of here! They should all get jobs and a life and stop fighting over scraps of land I wouldn't wish a mall parking lot on. It's embarrassing.

Gay Marriage

2006-06-02T08:02:09Z

I am so annoyed by the desperation and political grandstanding of the upcoming Federal Marriage Amendment vote next week. Senator Wayne Allard of Colorado is a pandering douchebag if he thinks marriage in America is one iota safer because of this amendment. He of course is concerned that the rest of the country will fall to the same horrible fate as Massachusetts. The 7300 gay marriages performed there in the last three years have apparently scared the living crap out of him all the way up in the Rocky Mountain state. The irony of the amendment he is proposing is that by changing the law to declare marriage as only being between one man and one woman, they are implying that currently there is no constitutional definition of marriage in America (true) and therefore, there is no legal reason to deny it to anyone. Oops!

Naturally, if he really cared about saving marriage, he would realize that more people got DIVORCED in Massachusetts during the same time as got gay married. And Massachusetts has the lowest divorce rate in the country. Good old God-fearing Texas has more than twice as many divorces per capita as Massachusetts, as does the rest of the Bible Belt, and more than twice as many pregnant teens. Now there's a record you could run proudly for President on. With 50% of all marriages ending in divorce, if Allard really wanted to save marriage, he would propose a constitutional amendment banning divorce. If the straight people love their marriage so much, they can keep them... permanently. No matter what. Til death does them part.

Here is how I see marriage in America today: it's like a beautiful, neglected neighborhood in desperate need of revitalization. No wonder the gays are attracted to the idea. They just want to come in and fix up the place and show you how it can be done right. The straights of course are outraged that the gays will show them up in another arena, as if we haven't already mopped the floor with them in Hollywood, the arts, literature, and most importantly, home decor!

Stop being such pussies and let the gays fix up marriage. It couldn't possibly be any worse off than it is right now.

Postcards From The Edge Of West Hollywood

2006-04-26T02:07:42Z

Greetings! This infrequent website update is coming to you direct from my supersecret bargain hotel on the outskirts of West Hollywood. Here's a hint: $117 a night. The hotel is odd and quirky which I mostly don't mind, and at these prices and with this location, I really don't mind.

So far my Los Angeles adventure has been mostly uneventful. In the first 24 hours in town, I did see four different porn stars. I had forgotten how porn figures are everywhere in this town. First up, I saw Brad Benton at East West. Then, I ran into Roman Heart at Here, where I also saw Dean Phoenix. The next morning, I was driving to Starbucks and spotted Chris Wide crossing the street. Of course, I actually talked to him the following night at Dean Phoenix's birthday party at iCandy, where Dean Phoenix tried to coax me to dance with him in front of everyone. Of course I was mortified and stood in front of him with a pale look of aghast horror as he shook hopefully in front of me while a room full of hunky 20-somethings wondered what I was doing there. I felt like a yokel at iCandy because I just wanted to blurt out "this place looked bigger on TV" thanks to its showings on the LOGO series Open Bar, but I don't think anyone there watched LOGO but me. And I don't even like it that much. Then again, if I didn't want to feel dorky, I wouldn't be driving around LA for hours at a time with gas at nearly $4 a gallon just to listen to myself on the radio. PS I was hilarious!

The only other gay "celebrity" sighting I had was Mr. Jay from Top Model, looking platinum and smiley at Here on Sunday night. Strangely, my roommate Mike had sent a text message two hours earlier telling me that he ran into Kim Stolz from Top Model. Is it odd that we both saw Top Model people, two hours and 3000 miles apart? And speaking of models, celebrity party planner Wade Williams and I were having a low key lunch at Bristol Farms on Monday, which will always and forever be Chasen's to me, when we spotted Heidi Klum pushing a cart full of groceries toward her SUV. I hope there was some makeup and a hairbrush in that cart, and no photographers around because she looked like a papparazzi's wet dream. And then today, I was at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf and I saw the Janice Dickinson Model Agency in what had previously been U-Wash Doggie and her Agency sign had a big "For Lease" sign next to it, which was so priceless, I was incensed that I didn't have my camera with me. Hopefully I will remember to grab a shot of it tomorrow.

Tomorrow night I wrap up my Hollywood adventure with lunch on the Warner Bros. lot and by appearing at Heather Tom's pre-Daytime Emmy party on my way to the airport to fly home. I hope I know more people at Heather Tom's house than I knew at Dean Phoenix's birthday party but I doubt it. Overall, it's been nice being in LA, but it hasn't exactly been a red carpet rolled out to greet me. Some drunk people have said interesting things to me since I have been here though, but as soon as the lights clicked on at the bars at 1:45am, I was reminded why I like drinking in New York City so much more.

WYSIWYG Talent Show Update

2006-03-26T18:27:08Z

This past week, I performed at the WYSIWYG Talent Show and now I am so mad at Michelle Collins.

Last year, I attended WYSIWYG for the first time. Usually, I am on the air on my radio show while the monthly blogfest commences. My roommate Mike and the rest of geek night are frequent attendees and invited me out to see it when I was on vacation last spring. Sean (no relation to Michelle or Jon) loathes blogs and blogging so he didn't want to go. The show theme was Worst Jobs Ever, which was like a custom glove for Michelle Collins to slide into. She killed. KILLED!!! It helped that Gawker lady, who ended the show with a thud, was a monotone mess who read aloud from her upcoming book with all the passion of a woman discarding junk mail.

Being a whore for attention, but lacking any real talent, I thought, "I can do better than that bitch!" I decided that when the right topic came along, I would also do a reading at WYSIWYG Talent Show. I also determined that Michelle Collins had to be on my radio show ASAP. Michelle joined for Blog-O-Rama and killed. KILLED! Even Romaine loved her, and we have very different senses of humor. Generally if we both like someone, they are an A+ for the show, not that our guests are listed on a piece of paper with letter grades and booked by our producer accordingly. Everything is electronic now.

There was minor grumbling from listeners that Michelle would never talk about being on our show on her blog, but I ignored it all. Michelle and I have a shared love of the Olive Garden, and I'll never forget our magical night at the Olive Garden Times Square bar where we shared the horror of seeing an unused bowl of bottomless salad tossed in the trash. Bottomless salad we would happily have consumed or poured into Michelle's purse when no one was looking. The rumbling got louder recently when she didn't mention our show but did mention another show she was going to be on that appears on a competing satellite radio company. Still I let it go.

Nine months ago, I asked Chris Hampton if I could do the Starfuckers: Encounters of the Celebrity Kind for my WYSIWYG debut. Having worked at a movie studio, lived in Hollywood, and shopped at the same supermarket as Nell Carter and Phyllis Diller, I figured I might have some stories to tell. For nine months, I sweated and worried and plunged into denial about the whole thing. It was like being pregnant, but I lost fifteen pounds. So I guess it was more like being pregnant and anorexic. I revealed to Michelle on her last appearance on the show that I was drenched in flop sweat about the whole thing and what a nightmare it would be for me to stand up in front of people since I hate being in front of a crowd. She insisted that I would be amazing and she would be sitting right there to see the magic happen.

So this week, I went to the Bowery Poetry Club. I sat backward in my seat for the first half hour waiting to catch a glimpse of Michelle. Nothing. Chris tells me I am on third and to have a drink. I've already had three. I think "third is a good spot as long as no one kills before me." First performer goes up. Sports guy with story about baseball. I don't care about sports at all, but he is very animated and the story gets a warm reception. He switches things up at the end by turning it into a magic act and pulling a baseball from his pocket with just a hint of flair. Second performer gets up. She tells story about Corey Feldman moving into her building. Funny stuff. Now I am even more nervous. Where the hell is Michelle Collins? Jon Collins? Sean Collins? Do I have time for one more drink? Maybe a Tom Collins.

Chris calls me up to do my set. Beforehand, I had worked out an opening joke with props. I cut out little slips of paper like you find in programs at Broadway shows when the lead performer is out sick. Mine said, "At tonight's performance, the role of Bob's Big Boy will be played by Derek Hartley." The joke bombed on the radio when I told it and sitting with the geek night crew I got a lot of stonefaced responses. Up on the stage, I announced that I was abandoning my opening joke. I had also planned to reference Gawker girl by announcing in a monotone patter that I would be reading slowly from my grocery list. But Michelle wasn't there and it was going to be a personal joke to her. I couldn't believe it. Where was Michelle?

I broke my act down into three parts. I wanted to start with my story about not recognizing Dan Renzi at Dennis Hensley's birthday party. Dan Renzi isn't all that famous but the story is so good to me, that it bears constant repeating. Next I had a lightning round of short celebrity stories: the girl who threw up after meeting Richard Gere, the three way with Elizabeth Shue, stories guaranteed to shock and offend, but also none that lasted so long that if they sucked, I couldn't just quickly move on to something else. The third part was a celebrity improv where I asked people to shout out names of celebrities and I would tell stories about them, if I had them. When we did this on the air, it was a disaster, but by the end of my act, I figured I had nothing to lose. Colin Farrell (no story, but an observation about his gay brother Eamon), Eddie Murphy (no story, but a revelation about the tranny hooker he gave a ride to), and finally pay dirt when Bea Arthur was shouted out. I wrapped things up with a story about Glenn Close and the press junket for Air Force One. Earlier I warmed up the crowd with an old bit about the shitty movie Mary Reilly, and brought it home at the end of my act with an appropriate celebrity coda.

I thought I killed. Mike thought I killed. The woman who went on after me looked like she wanted to beat me in the face with her guitar. I think she thought I killed too. Michelle Collins probably would have thought I killed too if she had bothered to show up. Oh well, at least I did better than Gawker bitch and everyone treated me better than Glenn Close. So that's something. To be fair, if I can't do ten minutes of patter in front of a crowd after three years of four daily hours of live radio, I am the most pathetic performer ever. Also, I tossed out nearly 20 celebrity encounters in ten minutes so there was a little something for everyone. If you only have one celebrity story, it's a much riskier gambit. Of all the performers, Dave Gordon was my favorite since our career paths had a lot in common and he shared the same ironic view of the celebrity life that I have. Amnesia gets bonus points for flirting with me, although she probably doesn't remember. I think I will do WYSIWYG again, although I don't think I will be leaving the safe topic of celebrity. See you next year, Michelle, or else!

Pure and Simple

2006-03-10T09:44:56Z

Ann Coulter is a lying racist cunt. I have absolutely had it with her smug attitude, bony ass and snappy lies.

Her latest on the Oscars:
"Even on AIDS -- which is something you'd expect people like Clooney to know something about -- Hollywood was about seven years behind. Wait, no -- bad choice of words. Even on AIDS, Hollywood got caught with its pants down. Still no good. On AIDS, Hollywood got it right in the end. Oh, dear ... Note to self: Must hire two more interns to screen hate mail.

The point is: The Hollywood set didn't start wearing AIDS ribbons to the Oscars until 1992."

1992. That's exactly three years after Reagan left office without even saying the word, let alone doing anything to stop it. Ann Coulter can shove her bias right up her own ass like the dildo of lies it is. Just because Hollywood was painfully slow in recognizing a crisis, it was completely non-existent in the GOP and the Reagan White House. There is plenty of shame to go around, but the bulk of it lands squarely on the shoulders of filthmongers like Ann Coulter, who feign enlightenment now but who were viciously silent through the 80s and 90s. Elizabeth Taylor has personally raised a quarter of a billion dollars to fight AIDS. What has Ann raised? Even a quarter?

Here's more of her racism wrapped up as wit:
"Contrary to Clooney's impassioned speech, no theaters ever forced black people to sit in the back. If you were trying to oppress people, you would make them sit in the front, which are the worst seats in the house. Or you'd just make them watch a George Clooney movie."

This is the filthy lie that really set me off the most. I have personally seen the colored entrances to the classic theaters in downtown Los Angeles. Los Angeles!!!!! And if Ann Coulter was able to get off her high horse for six seconds, I would be happy to take her down there and rub her ugly whore face in the Colored Only sign in that dirty alley until all her smugness blended smoothly into her cracked cheekbones.

Eat shit, Ann. You know, like the homophobic, racist shit we see in your column. You dirtbag whore. Seriously. Houses land on witches all the time. Why do you live?

A Marriage Made In Heaven

2006-02-04T07:30:28Z

I had an epiphany tonight. I decided that fighting for gay marriage is the wrong approach. Sure, it would be great to have the 1,001 legal rights that come with civil marriage, but the Christians are right. Marriage is a covenant with God that needs to be protected. Marriage is crumbling. With 50% divorce rates and celebrity marriages going only hours or days, it is time to get serious about marriage in America.

This is why I am pushing for a voter initiative ending civil marriage. Marriage is a religious institution that needs to be protected, and it can't be protected while laws are on the books that allow any old Carmen Electra or Britney Spears to get married. Marriage should return to being purely a religious institution and we should do away with civil marriage entirely.

I am sure the Christian right will agree with me, because the rights associated with civil marriage (such as hospital visitation, custody, transfer of assets, etc.) aren't important enough reasons to endanger the sanctity of marriage. After all, they argued that it isn't a compelling reason to allow civil marriage for same sex partners because the sanctity of marriage is too important to just be summed up in a few legal points. The covenant with God is the most important thing. So, I am sure they will agree that their own marriage before God is more important than these silly little legal rights and will be happy to forgo them since they are so unimportant. They have pointed out that most of those rights can be obtained in other ways anyway, so in fact they aren't giving up anything at all.

Is it constitutional to do away with civil marriage? Well, the constitution itself is silent on the issue of marriage. There is no constitutional right to marriage any more than there is a constitutional right to an abortion because the constitution doesn't mention it. True the Ninth Amendment makes clear that just because something isn't in there doesn't mean you don't have a right to it. But we don't like ambiguity in the law. It is what leaves abortion so unsettled and it's leaving the door open for gay marriage. Clearly, if the framers had meant for marriage to be important, they would have included it in the constitution. Additionally, the constitution leaves some laws up to the states and the full faith and credit clause allows for contracts binding in one state to be upheld in others. But marriage itself is a God given right, not a constitutional one, as they have pointed out many times, and we are a country of God.

Besides, we can't count on the Supreme Court to protect marriage. They might approve gay marriage and open it up to anyone. After all, in 2003, they refused to intervene in Silver Vs. Commack Self-Service Kosher Meats, in which the nature of determining legally the definition of "kosher" was put in question. If the state can't used a religious definition of kosher, when it has always been, like marriage, a specific religious practice, and is forced to open it up to a lower standard to accommodate someone else, it could allow anyone's definition of marriage to stand. And we just can't stand for that.

The real point here is saving marriage. The only way to save it is to return it to its original owners: the churches. Keeping the state out of marriage is the only way to ensure that the government is not in the business of regulating a religious practice, which would be a clear violation of their constitutional right to religious freedom. So, join me, won't you? The end of civil marriage is the only rational choice we can make to protect marriage!

Even More Reason To Hate the AP

2006-02-02T01:46:32Z

I hate to sound like a broken record, but the Associated Press still sucks. Here is the most recent gem (my emphasis in BOLD):

Police Apologize, Drop Charge Vs. Sheehan

Sheehan's T-shirt alluded to the number of soldiers killed in Iraq: "2245 Dead. How many more?" Capitol Police charged her with a misdemeanor for violating the District of Columbia's code against unlawful or disruptive conduct on any part of the Capitol grounds, a law enforcement official said. She was released from custody and flew home Wednesday to Los Angeles.

Young's shirt had just the opposite message: "Support the Troops — Defending Our Freedom."

Someone at the AP needs to learn what the word opposite means. The opposite of "2245 Dead. How many more?" is not "Support the Troops - Defending Our Freedom" it's "138,000 alive. Why stop now?"

And while I am on the subject of this whole shirt flap, never mind the text on the t-shirt, since when is it appropriate to wear a t-shirt to the State of the Union address? How about flip flops, a wife beater and a sweat band? That seems dignified. It's all so stupid, I don't even know where to begin.

Supreme Annoyance

2006-01-29T08:58:40Z

Not long into doing my radio show on Sirius, the Supreme Court decriminalized sodomy, which had religious zealots all twisted up in a knot. In the midst of our gay rejoicing on the air, a listener called up and complained about the "liberal Supreme Court." When I assured him that 7 of the 9 justices on the court were appointed by Republican Presidents, he flat out called me a liar. So, to make my point, I listed, in order of appointment and from memory, each justice and the president that nominated them. "Wow," he said, "I had no idea." Even with the two recent changes to the court, it is still Republicans: 7, Democrats: 2.

Something similar happened at dinner on Friday night. Out at 44th and X with friends, the nomination of Alito came up as the plates were being cleared. Earlier in the week, Ann Coulter casually joked about someone poisoning Justice John Paul Stevens' creme brulee. I suppose she was implying that life is better in places like Colombia where justices are routinely assassinated, especially if they are fruity, bowtie-wearing uppercrust types, unlike that downhome gal Ann Coulter, a long-necked filly who is totally out of place on the Upper East Side of Manhattan and wearing casual Donna Karan separates on primetime TV. I would poison Ann Coutler myself if she ever ate something, which of course is also my attempt at humor, Ann! Hilarious right? But seriously folks, if Ann likes murdered justices so much, I would happily pay for her one way ticket to Bogota. I would spring for business class, but she is such a down-to-earth homegal, I am sure she would never dream of insisting on such luxury.

Alito is an enormously qualified individual for the Supreme Court. It just happens that he is rabidly conservative, like a legal beagle version of Cujo, just waiting to gnaw on our civil liberties like the door handle of a broken down car. It isn't his conservatism that bothers me. It is the insane frustration of far right wing nuts. Yes, as my friend Cyd, pointed out, many conservatives have been disappointed by the conservatism of some of the GOP appointments to the Supreme Court (such as Ms. Coulter and the Ford-appointed Stevens). But the problem as I see it, isn't with the justices, it is with the right wing. They already have 7 out of 9 justices. In a fair, two party system, having 4-5 justices from each party would seem appropriate. Instead, they have an overwhelming majority. If that isn't enough for them, how crazy do the appointees need to be to satisfy them? Perhaps it isn't the justices themselves that are out of the judicial mainstream, it is the psychotic conservatives who hate them that are so blindly out of touch with the realities of life and real people that they don't even know what the words moderate or mainstream mean anymore.

The worst part of all this right now is the crying. Except for 2 years in the early 90s, the GOP has controlled at least 2 out of the 3 branches of government for the last quarter century. In the last five years, they have tightly controlled all three. Despite that, life here is still far too liberal! And what's worse, some tough questioning at a hearing, a rare opportunity for elected democrats to speak on the record, evokes outrage that the nominee's wife cried under the pressure. Same for a cheap award show joke causing a hapless 12 year old girl to burst into tears, although no cameras recorded the tragedy for posterity. Maybe they aren't crying because of the mean old democrats. Maybe they are crying because they know that their family members are polarizing right wing nuts that are out of the mainstream of judicial thought or soon-to-be convicted, sleazy lobbyists who bilked an oppressed minority group out of millions. Let this be a lesson to Democrats, if you hit them even slightly, they burst into tears. Here's a new strategy: Maybe you should try hitting them harder. Just a thought.

Who's Gay In Hollywood?

2006-01-17T09:22:06Z

Who is or who isn't gay in Hollywood is a raging debate played out in the pages of datalounge.com so endlessly it seems that no one is immune (A special message to David Cronenberg and Viggo Mortensen for their sexy buss stop at the end of the End Of Violence film clip on the Globes tonight: get a room, fellas, if you don't want online gay chatter about you). Tonight, one of the gayer spectacles we look forward to each year, the Golden Globes, unspooled at the Beverly Hilton Hotel with much press coverage, although I am fairly certain that red carpet journalists at the annual drunken fete routinely outnumber U.S. viewers.

Much has been made of the "gay cowboy movie" Brokeback Mountain, with feverish conservatives refusing to admit that they were wrong about audiences rejecting the film. Another week has passed with Brokeback back in the top ten of films and again, for the fourth or fifth week in a row, still with the highest per screen average of any film in the top ten. This doesn't mean much to anyone outside of Hollywood, but it means a great deal to Hollywood since the more money a movie makes per screen, the more profitable the film is for studios and theaters. Yes, Glory Road made more money in its opening weekend as a total, but it will seem pretty disappointing to a theater owner on Wednesday when he tries to sell a $5.00 bucket of popcorn to an empty theater. Meanwhile, the Wednesday showing of Brokeback will continue to be full, or nearly full, of coke guzzling and twizzler swilling patrons, propping up an industry that just had its worst year in two decades.

However, what kills me the most about the "gay cowboy debate" is the notion of it as a gay movie. Where are the gay people? True, the lead characters are in some kind of gay romantic tangle, but labeling them gay seems, at best, awkward. Ang Lee and James Schamus are lovely heterosexuals who have a great record of making quality movies with gay themes (see also: The Wedding Banquet). Bernie Taupin, who won a Golden Globe tonight for his lyrics for his best original song on the film, is the longtime hetero partner of Elton John. He and Ang can join Robin Williams and Matthew Broderick in the male fag hags category, as straight men who have a long history of successful (read: financial) interactions with the gay community. As it stands, I can find no openly gay person involved with Brokeback Mountain working above the line. So basically, a bunch of straight conservatives are railing against a movie made by straight artists. It's not an anti-gay fight so much as an anti-capitalist fight. As we have seen with their boycotts, protests and bad attitudes, they are anti-money communists your Uncle Dick Nixon warned you about in the 1960s.

Meanwhile, Desperate Housewives, a show created by an openly gay men, featuring several openly gay people working behind the scenes, rakes in the cash and the viewers (more than 25 million each week) with nary a peep of protest. If they really hated gays, they would go after the gays who make the product, not the straights, who are just trying to make money to put food on the table for their wives and children in proper heterosexual family units that the American Family Association is always raving about. Yes, they have been pressuring NBC to dump Book Of Daniel because of its "themes" (which means openly gay creator and gay character), but really they just don't want another Desperate Housewives on their hands, another hit so big, it would be laughable to protest it.

The 86 members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association (which coincidentally is also their median age), delivered a big fuck you to America's right wing all night long. Conservative-bashing George Clooney in Good Night and Good Luck - winner, Rachel Weisz playing crusading anti-corporate activist in Africa - here's your Golden Globe, pot-dealing mom in Weeds - Mary Louise Parker, come on down!, head of non-traditional boarding house family in Lackawanna Blues, step right up S. Epatha Merkerson, interracial marriage revealed on Lost - this calls for a Globe, suddenly sizzling gay story line on Desperate Housewives - HFPA gold for you Marc Cherry, play a tranny or a lisping homo and it's win win win! Everywhere you turned, it was a liberal nirvana of rainbow colored representation that must have had James Dobson stomping his feet through the floor like Rumplestiltskin.

In the end, I think it is all much ado about nothing. What really changes people's minds about gays is actually knowing a gay person themselves. It is far more impactful for one person in Des Moines to come out than it is for a gay cowboy movie to come out there. Just by being ourselves, we do more to change the world we live in every day than any well-meaning straight people can. Although, if they can make money doing it, more power to them.

Being Right

2006-01-14T20:48:29Z

Holly Hunter was right in Broadcast News. It is awful knowing you are right all the time.

First of all, a memo to other people in media. Stop stealing my shit. In my last journal update, I ragged on the Associated Press. Now, Johnny Come Lately, Stephen Colbert has taken them to task as the biggest threat facing America. Thanks Stephen, but been there, done that.

Second, in sad news, as I predicted, my top star to die in 2006 was Shelley Winters. Shelley died this morning in Beverly Hills, which wasn't a huge surprise because she was 85 and in a nursing home. But I always really like Shelley, especially her two autobiographies that are sensational. I highly recommend them both. Shelley: Also Known As Shirley and Shelley II: The Middle Of My Century. Especially if you only know Shelley as Roseanne's grandmother on Roseanne or the fat swimmer lady from The Poseidon Adventure.

A special "You're Next!" goes out to Mickey Rooney, Luise Rainer (happy 96th birthday!), Betty Hutton, Ricardo Montalban, Mrs. Johnson's blond boy Van and the indestructible Elizabeth Taylor. Oh yes and to Joan Fontaine, if she isn't already dead and just keeping it from her hated sister Olivia de Havilland (who looks amazing for 60, even though she is almost 90).

Finally, watching Jake Gyllenhal on Leno last night was excruciating. Jake's "Ewwww! No way!" was a response to gay cowboy movies that isn't going sit well with gay fans, or the Academy, or the test of time. The whole chit chat was uncomfortable, forced, and shameful pandering. Shame, shame, shame all around. I look forward to hearing my opinion echoed elsewhere in the blogoshere!

Illiterate Associates

2005-12-17T04:29:33Z

I have been irritated by the Associated Press for a few weeks now. I keep seeing articles with typos, misspellings and bizarre grammar. However, this article today about illiterate Americans took the cake:

"It's a stark snapshot of adult literacy in the 21st century," said Dale Lipschultz., president of the National Coalition for Literacy. "The implications of the study are really enormous hellip we know that a more literate America will be more competitive and prosperous."

No, it's a stark snapshot of the sloppiness of the AP. Who is illiterate now?

Wyoming? Because Brokeback Mountain Is There.

2005-12-12T09:38:55Z

I went to see Brokeback Mountain opening weekend. I know. I know. What a homo.

There was a woman sitting at the end of our row. Her husband had to sit apart from her. You just KNOW he hated to be a single straight man in that crowd, I don't care how "gay-positive" he is.

I told my roommate that Kleenex exchange was going to be the key to meeting a potential boyfriend at a screening of Brokeback Mountain. If someone thinks you are hot, they can ask you for a Kleenex. If you think someone is hot, you can ask them if they have one. When we arrived, the lobby of the theater was filled with small clusters of gays, both clutching and needing Kleenex, waiting for the rest of the gays in their party. "Which gays are ours?" I asked.

Settled into the theater with our homos, it was standing room only. The trailers started. Gay enthusiasm for "The Producers" although I will admit that Jon and I were the two loudest fags in the place during that one. Sorry but I hadn't heard the "I'm not going to the toilet! I am going into show business!" line before. It struck me as especially inspired. Then, some trailer about a coot who swims the English Channel. ZZzzzzz. I know gay men are thought to be pretentious and snooty (and they are) and into slow moving art house fare with high class accents and no budget, but you know the pitch for this crap was "It's like The Full Monty but with swimmers!" I saw half a dozen gays making fast-forward-the-TiVo motions with their hands during that trailer. Trust me when I say the James Franco paint-by-numbers Officer/Gentleman redo "Annapolis" got a MUCH better response from those gays, mostly because it had hot sweaty Navy guys in it. What? They have to do 50 push-ups shirtless and in the rain? Aye Aye! Look, it's gay men at a rousing gay cowboy love story. They don't want to be inspired. They want to be turned on!

The movie started abruptly and slowly, all at the same time. The hype on the film walking in was so enormous, every homo in there was bound to be disappointed. I have to say, I was a little bit disappointed too. After the raves in every paper in town, you honestly expect nothing less than Jesus to appear in the theater and turn the lights down Himself. That being said, I was immediately struck by how deeply American the film was. The lush untamed wilderness, the sparse squalor of everyday home life, the plain, unadorned faces of average folk. It was all so distinctly American and it is what I like most about the movie.

In many ways, the slow burn of "Brokeback" reminds me of the classic Paul Newman film "Hud." Perhaps when "Brokeback" appears on DVD, I will suggest a double feature for movie night in my apartment. In film history, it is more like "Bound" with its gay spin on a familiar and well-worn genre. In this film, Ang Lee has created a movie for people who speak the language of film. The first ten minutes has many ten lines of dialogue and yet you know more about every character in the film by then than you probably ever will in "Fantastic Four" no matter how many crappy sequels they make. I see now why the film reviewers are falling all over themselves praising the movie and why my casual moviegoing friends weren't completely bowled over. It's because anyone who has ever taken a film class or studied film on their own will be delighted to see a movie that follows every rule of simple, elegant, spartan filmmaking and does so brilliantly.

The cornerstone of a good romantic movie is always the "will they or won't they?" moment at the end of the film. The cars stopped at the traffic signal at the end of "Bridges Of Madison County" is one of the few moments in the film that has a pulse. The ride home at night in the truck in "The Unbearable Lightness Of Being" haunts me to this day even though I fell asleep in the middle of the picture. "Brokeback Mountain" doesn't falter in its final moments either, making it one of the great powerful love stories of this or any time. I think it is possible for Brokeback, no matter what its Oscar prospects (Nominations for Picture, Score, Director, Cinematography, Wins for Actor and Adapted Screenplay), to live on for years to come, not as a movie that broke new ground, but instead as a movie that trod familiar territory in a new way.

Birth and Death

2005-10-23T03:33:16Z

So, my birthday is coming up in a few days. Depressing. Then again, as my mother always says, it beats the alternative.

So, while this Derek Hartley is facing a birthday on Friday, a different Derek Hartley is enjoying a dirt nap already in progress. You really haven't lived until you have seen a news story about your death.

Random Text Led To Hammer Murder
That's right. Derek Hartley beaten to death with a hammer. Turns out his daughter responded to a guy who sent her a random text message on her phone, had an affair with him, broke up with him, and then he allegedly killed her father with a hammer. And you wonder why I don't have any kids.

And who starts dating someone who sends them a random text message?

So, the dead Derek Hartley was a 63 year old bus driver who was just days away from retirement. That's what we call in the business "retirony."

Happy birthday!

Hollywood Responds To Hurricane Katrina

2005-09-05T17:34:05Z

As I saw Celine Dion melting down on Larry King this weekend, I instantly knew that FEMA would not be the first level of response to Hurricane Karina. It is Hollywood that will be making the biggest long term impact on New Orleans, by moving film and television projects to the Big Easy.

Visibility and employment are going to be two of the biggest ways to help out, and that is where the Wal-Mart of Hollywood, Reality TV, comes in. Already the trucks are rolling in from TLC's Town Haul and ABC's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition for a special season of touching inspiration and painted over flood damage. But don't worry, the reality TV gravy train isn't going to stop there!

Real World: Gulfport, MS
Seven people are picked to live together in what used to be a house. Personalilites clash as secrets are revealed: Sasha, 21, has a drinking problem (she can't find any fresh drinking water), Ken, 23, has a sleep disorder (his bedroom has no walls or roof), and Libby, 22, is just a skank who gets cholera from wading in waist-deep sewage. Tune-in to see people when they stop being polite and start getting real. The Real World: Gulfport!

Survivor: New Orleans
Two teams (Team Convention Center and Team Superdome) compete in challenges for meals ready to eat (MREs), fresh water, and clean clothes. They'll face hardships inherent to this lawless land including nocturnal rapists, sniper fire and dysentery. In the end, only one will be crowned the sole survivor and be placed on a bus to a shelter in Kansas.

The Amazing Race
12 teams set out from the Superdome. Their first challenge: make their way to the Astrodome, 350 miles away in Houston, TX by completely a series of tasks. The first task, is a detour called "Sink Or Swim." In "Sink or Swim" teams choose between two tasks each with its own pros and cons. In "Sink," teams must put all of their possessions in an industrial steel sink they found on the side of the road and float everything they own through sewage up to their neck. In "Swim" teams must swim for a quarter mile with six pairs of Nike sneakers around their necks through raw sewage, debris, dead bodies and the occasional alligator to find their next clue.

NBC's The Cajun Restaurant
NYC metrosexual chef Rocco DiSpirito tries to open a new cajun restaurant in the heart of the French Quarter. The opening is plagued by problems from the start. In the first episode, Rocco has trouble hiring busboys and cleaning staff because anyone who would have taken a job like that is now homeless and living in a shelter in another state. Rocco's pastry chef finds a stack of dead bodies in the refrigerator. Rocco's favorite shoes are ruined walking through the sludge-strewn streets of New Orleans.

The History Channel: Modern Marvels
Historians spend an hour wondering aloud how no one seemed to realize that a levee that can only withstand a category three hurricane would collapse when a category five hurricane was headed straight for it. Engineers and other experts discuss the inability of the Federal government to mobilize food and supplies in under four days. A travel expert explains how Congress and the President were able to return from vacation faster to pass legislation to keep Terri Shaivo alive than to put together an aid package and response to Hurricane Katrina.

Advance To Park Place

2005-07-19T09:47:44Z

The President wants to make sure our national parks are open to logging, mining, and oil drilling, but how about keeping them open for summer tourists? John Zogby reports only one park ranger for every 105,000 visitors to my favorite national park, Zion National Park, in Southern Utah. The park brings an estimated $92 million in annual revenue to the region and supports nearly 2,000 local jobs. Isn't it worth the $500,000 the park needs to keep that area from economic collapse? More than fifty cents out of every Federal tax dollar goes to the military and miles of tax breaks are provided for companies that move their jobs oversees, but we can't squeeze out a couple of pennies to create another generation of treasured memories? Oh yes, and save thousands of jobs in a region that has no other industry to support it.

To be honest, the notion of logging, mining and drilling on public land doesn't bother me. I know that no one is suggesting capping "Ol' Faithful" for hydro-electric power. My concern is the cost. On the one hand, I wonder what the long-term impact will be on the land and what it will cost to make future corrections to old damage. Some of the land, such as in Valle Vidal in the Raton Basin is land donated by companies (in this case Penzoil) that had already mined the hell out of it and preferred exchanging it for tax breaks to cleaning up or correcting it themselves. Years later, the land no long yields coal, but is rich in previously worthless natural gas. So, when I see stories about leases on those 33,000 acres of land, it makes me wonder how much those companies are paying for those leases. Despite millions of acres of public land leased annually, somehow the cost is never enough to cover the expenses of maintaining our national park system, or even cleaning up existing sites like that at Valle Vidal, stripped and then stripped again for pennies on the dollar. Apparently, it isn't coming anywhere near close. Even with charging entrance (excuse me, "parking") fees at most public parks, there are still massive budget shortfalls.

As the old song says, "this land is my land, this land is your land" but for some reason it only seems really to belong to energy interest groups. Industries like coal and oil, very chummy with the administration, continue to see tax breaks, incentives and most importantly, soaring prices, to fuel double digit profits. It doesn't hurt matters when you can drill on public land for next to nothing. If I have to pay higher fees to visit public lands, I think it's only fair that companies who tear the land apart should pay higher fees as well.

The Supremes Without Diana Ross

2005-07-11T07:25:22Z

My friend JP, who is a lawyer, doesn't think Sandra Day O'Connor is the best justice at writing opinions. Of all of the Supremes, she is definitely my favorite. Given the praise heaped on her by both sides of the aisle this past week, she is clearly the Diana Ross of the group. I don't expect much out of her when it comes to a solo career (after all, Diana Ross may have been too old for the lead role in "The Wiz" but she wasn't 74). There are rumors afoot that if Rehnquist steps down, Sandy may be asked to be Chief Justice. Word has it that she didn't say no to the concept.

The frustrating point in the coverage of her departing is all this talk about a replacement. On the show a few months ago, I had to correct a listener who insisted on spouting that tired line about the "liberal" Supreme Court. Maybe in the 1950s and 60s, but with seven out of nine justices put up by Republican Presidents, the concept of our Supreme Court as "liberal" is about as far-fetched an idea as "Ann Coulter, citizen virgin." And it isn't just the Supreme Court that is supremely conservative. It's the appeals courts too. A recent court analysis quoted by the AP clearly showed that while Eisenhower nominated the most liberal judges in the last 50 years, in the last 25years, not even Clinton's nominees had a better than 49% liberal rating. The first Bush had the lowest liberal average at 36%, with the current Bush hovering in the 38% region. It kind of makes you wonder what kind of lunatics think THAT is a liberal court system.

There has been a lot of bitching lately about the filibuster. Some GOP members don't want the Democrats to threaten a filibuster. The GOP has no reason to be afraid of the filibuster. It takes 60 votes to overcome a filibuster now. The only one of the nine Supreme Court justices that wouldn't have been able to survive a filibuster was Clarence Thomas (he squeaked onto the court with only 52 votes), and wouldn't we have all been better off without him on the court. In fact, the filibuster used to require 67 votes to break and even back then, eight out of the nine justices would have made it through. Four of the nine justices were unanimous appointments, and seven out of the nine had fewer than ten "no" votes. Certainly it would be ideal to have "straight up or down votes" but the reality is that unless a candidate is morbidly disgusting, they could survive a filibuster threat. The concern for the GOP is that Bush will nominate someone that even moderate Republicans wouldn't want to stick their neck out for. We should all be afraid.

Hello. My Name Is JINX

2005-07-08T05:05:04Z

Corey (1:16:25 PM): SIGHTINGS - June 28, 2005 -- THE Rev. Al Sharpton preparing to march in the Gay Pride parade by seeing "La Cage aux Folles" with Marjorie Harris and gay activists Allen Roskoff and Corey Johnson and singing "I Am What I Am" at the show's intermission . . .
Corey (1:16:27 PM): from Page Six today
Derek (2:03:44 PM): Is that why the show closed this weekend? ;-)
Corey (2:03:56 PM): catty bitch!
Derek (2:04:05 PM): hahaha. I know. Congrats on the press.

Look. Al Gore. Andrew Cuomo. Mark Green. Howard Dean. John Kerry. Is it my fault that every political campaign he has worked on has failed gloriously? Has his luck now landed on Broadway or is he just a secret GOP political operative? I report. You decide!

Unwilling To Evolve

2005-05-17T06:10:50Z

It seems like only yesterday (it was really last year) that Bush was praising the 50th anniversary of Brown Vs. Board Of Education. The landmark Supreme Court ruling that marked the beginning of the end of segregation is exactly the kind of "judicial activism" that Bush rails again. Naturally, 51 years later, everyone realizes that it was a ruling decades overdue. It is easy to forget just which board of education was defending it's right to keep black people down. Oh yes, it was the Topeka Board Of Education in Kansas.

Now, 51 years later, Topeka is back in the news and once again on the cutting edge of modern society. Unable to legally keep black students in separate and unequal schools, it is now hellbent on just making their schools unequal for all students. The current case is not just about evolution but the very meaning of the word "science." You see, Topeka wants to "compromise" and change the meaning of the word science so that if someone thinks the sun is actually a chariot racing across the sky, that can be included as an "alternate" theory. After all, in the history of man, the burning chariot was considered fact only 2200 years ago, sandwiched comfortably between the old and new testaments of the Bible.

Even as scientists are dusting off the four million year old dinosaur in Utah that bridges the genetic gap between reptiles and birds, people who think the world is only 6,000 year old are foisting their backward notions onto every other kid in the neighborhood. The problem they have with evolution is not in a science book but in a dictionary. They don't know the difference between a theory ("An assumption based on limited information or knowledge; a conjecture.") and a scientific theory ("A set of statements or principles devised to explain a group of facts or phenomena, especially one that has been repeatedly tested or is widely accepted and can be used to make predictions about natural phenomena. A theory that explains scientific observations.") within the context of the theory of evolution. You see, evolution is a theory because no one was able to directly observe it. Do you know what else is a theory? Gravity. Perhaps textbooks should also suggest that invisible angels are holding everything down. After all, it's just a theory.

You know what religious extremists I like? The Amish. Instead of inflicting their notions of electricity on everyone else, they instead chose to shut themselves off from modern society. They refused to, what class? Evolve. That's right. I wish these religious fanatics who seem to hate modern life and aschew new ideas, would just cut themselves off from the rest of us instead of annoying us with the bland and absurd rantings about life. They hate evolution because they don't like the idea of change in any form, and that's why they don't want it taught in schools. Evolution means feminism. Evolution means gay rights. Evolution means interracial relations. And they can't have any of that in God's Topeka!

Last night, I caught a TV ad for the Christian Childrens Fund. Apparently, a very cute little girl is eating food from a garbage dump you wouldn't even touch. Maybe if these so-called Christians weren't so busy throwing millions of dollars into the feverish coffers of the anti-gay American Family Association or preventing students from learning anything, that little girl wouldn't have to dumpster dive for dinner. I can't help but think that Jesus might consider starving children a bigger priority than Topeka and their latest bag of bullshit.

A Liberal Use Of The Word Liberal

2005-04-23T05:46:08Z

You know, it was one thing when unnamed sources decried the "liberal media." Sure, all sorts of people interested in the fine art of journalism are going to be so-called liberals. It doesn't mean they are biased. It just means they are going to be more inclined to a job like journalist. It's just like CIA operatives. I don't think they are all conservative, per se, but you have to ask yourself, what kind of person would want to join the CIA. It doesn't sound like a beatnik hippie, now does it? That doesn't mean they are biased either. They are just doing their jobs.

Our old pals at the Family Research Council don't like liberals. And by liberals, they mean anyone who doesn't agree with them. Many of the people who don't agree with the FRC are not liberals and I certainly don't agree with them on many issues, however they are sane or unwilling to pander, which immediately disqualifies them from the loving family arms of the Family Research Council. The FRC's latest target is "the last bastion of liberalism." You would think they meant the Green Party, but instead they mean the Federal Courts.

This is a common misconception, as I learned when one of our listeners called the radio show one day and insisted that the Supreme Court was filled with liberals. He didn't believe me that seven out of the nine justices were nominated by Republican presidents until I named them all, in order of placement on the bench. You will just have to take my word for it (or look it up for yourself). Now, I know they aren't wild-eyed liberals because, unbenownest to most Americans they ruled four years ago that it was totally acceptable for a police officer to pull a woman out of her car, arrest her, and take her kids into custody to teach her a lesson in front of her kids about the importance of wearing a seatbelt (which she was not). Sure, they decriminalized consensual sodomy, but that doesn't make them liberal. It makes them sane.

Now, it's time for a little math. First, I remind everyone that in the last 34 years (which was when the earliest current Supreme Court justice was appointed by Nixon), we have only had Democrats for President during 12 of those years. That's basically one-third. Less than one-third of the Supreme Court justices were placed by Democrats and Clinton had more Federal judges suppressed by the GOP-controlled Senate than any President in U.S. history, but let's say, for the sake of argument, that all years being equal, two-thirds of all Federal judges were appointed by Republicans. If those kinds of odds make a group like the Family Research Council itchy about the rulings they get, you can just imagine the unholiness they are plotting in churches all over the country as we sleep.

So, it makes me wonder why the liberal media isn't questioning at the very least, the math the Family Research Council employs, if not their methods of judgment. Bill Frist may be buffaloed by this pack of yahoos, but why should the rest of us be as gullible as the good doctor?

Why I Love Datalounge.com

2005-04-14T07:52:54Z

I want to keep up on the musings of gay shut-ins, but with my busy schedule, who has the time? That's why I'm glad I discovered datalounge.com, an endless supply of non-opinions by some of the funniest, saddest and meanest creatures ever to live in their parents' basements. Sure, they think I am the poster child for Carb Face and that I hate all gay people, but it's still fucking hilarious! So, here are some of my favorite recent threads on datalounge.com:

1. Scalia Asked If He Buttfucks His Wife...

Favorite Line: "Well, does he?"

2. America's Next Top Model - 4/13

Favorite Line (tie): "Dazaaaaamn!" and "Tyra is lucky Tiffany didn't whip out a box cutter on her ass."

3. Paris Hilton Is For "The Birds"

Favorite Line: "I tawt I taw a Skanky Whore? I did! I did! taw a Skany Whore!" by Tweety Bird

4. The Amazing Race - 4/12

Favorite Line: "India should bring out some great comments from Lynn & Alex , the Amazing Racists."

Things I Learned This Week

2005-03-27T09:59:37Z

Sometimes, when I surf the internet, I learn all sorts of interesting things. Here are some of things I learned this week:

1. Being a HOT guy doesn't always pay

I was devastated to learn that just being hot and talented wasn't enough to pay the bills. Case in point: John Hill, the sexy star of Bare: A Pop Opera and other Broadway-style ventures. Not content to resort to street hustling or dating unattractive wealthier men like some of my friends have done in the recent past, he instead is using the power of the internet to reach your wallets, one dollar at a time, the way he used to reach ears in the tenth row center using only his enchanting voice and perfect physique. If I give him ten dollars do you think he will sing "Ain't Too Pround To Beg?" Those bitches on American Idol do it all the time for nothing.

2. Terri is in the eye of the beholder

In stories supportive of Terri Schaivo dying sooner rather than later, she is portrayed in photos showing bad skin and vacant stares.

In stories supportive of Terri Schaivo remaining as-is in a Florida hospice, she is portrayed as all dolled up for a night out on the town.

Which Terri is your favorite? Cast your vote now!

3. I May Not Go To Space, But My Personal Ad Will

Hopping on the all-important space band wagon, Craig's List is now offering a free service that transmits your ads for both a quiet, vegan roommate and a nasty sex kitten available RIGHT NOW into outer space. After all, if your needs are so specific that they can't be filled in your own major metropolis, perhaps there is a planet 175 light years away with just what you are looking for. Please be patient.

I (heart) ANTM

2005-03-18T07:43:24Z

Normally, I am reluctant to use an acronym that is forced on me. For instance, BK for Burger King (who says "Let's go to the BK?" No one. Seriously people, NO ONE!!!!) or even DNR for Derek and Romaine (embarrassing but true, it was forced on you and you didn't even notice or care, bitches.). However, in the case of ANTM (aka America's Next Top Model) I am willing to make an exception. Not even a clunky acronym can tear me away from the screen.

This show is nothing short of a TV miracle! Between this and the Amazing Race (I'll take a pass on the "AR7" acronym, thank you), I am in reality TV heaven. This week, we had a contestant come out, proving once again that ANTM has more gays per square inch than any other show in television history. You can barely hit the floor on the show without knocking two lesbian P.A.s out of the way on your trip down. Which reminds me, if you missed this week's episode...

and one of the contestants taking the Nestea Plunge (thanks to that stereogum.com genius Noah for that perfect reference) there is an enchanted animated GIF that gives you the highlights.

Apparently, the skinny girl has a pre-existing condition that makes her pass out every six years, whether she needs it or not. Maybe it's a lack of carbs that causes a person to lose their equilibrium on prime time TV. It happened on The Bleechlorette this season, but I think there was just a sudden lack of oxygen at his low altitude. Maybe someone told Becky how old Janice Dickinson REALLY is. Whatever happened, I love this show. I love it. If it was a man, I would fuck it until it passed out.

Admit it, you haven't read a word I have written because you can't stop watching the animated GIF. <sigh>

Buy Our Bear, You Bitches!

2005-03-11T09:40:56Z

That's right! Buy our bear you bitches!

Romaine and I created this bad news bear to raise money for the Matthew Shepard Foundation. It would be hideous if some other bear went for more money than our bear. Shameful even! You can't see the angel wings in back (Romaine's contribution) but you can see my ode to Xanadu with the roller skates. Come on! Roller skates and angel wings on a bear. It's madness.

Get cracking and bid on our bear!

Secrets And Lies

2005-03-01T08:31:33Z

In my ode this week to the beloved Shaw Report in Entertainment Weekly:

IN FIVE MINUTES AGO OUT

"Skin Care Line" "Exhaustion" "Dehydration"

Only, in the Hartley Report, they are all out. Look, I love celebrities as much as the next gay man, but seriously, the Hollywood lies have got to stop. I know this week is the week of everyone favorite half-truth "It's an honor just to be nominated" (ask Annette Bening how honored she feels NOW), but I really need the lies to stop.

First, I need to take issue with the ladies of The View. Look, I love The View. I watch it every single day. While the show is filled with more softballs than a lesbian's Outback on a Saturday afternoon, I at least expect them to stop celebrities from lying. It's one thing for Barbara Walters to laugh away the Marcia Cross lesbian rumor as if no one was more clearly heterosexual than she is since Rock Hudson! But when they let Nicolette Sheridan and Morgan Fairchild claim a good beauty regimen and quality skin care line on the reason for their quilting bee complexions, I have to draw the line.

People don't wave guns in intersections because they forgot to drink all eight glasses of water today. 200 pound TV actors don't check themselves into hospitals because they missed their nap yesterday. Singers don't leave their ID and wallet in someone else's purse and then bring that purse with them to the airport. Straight men don't give tranny hookers a lift because they look like they are tired and need a ride, nor do they make out with other men on street corners in West Hollywood, no matter what role they may be "researching."

You people in Hollywood need to start getting to bed early, eating a full meal, drinking plenty of liquids and stop shooting up, shooting strangers and having it all tuned up every three years by Dr. Newface. And publicists need to stop peddling these eye-roll inducing excuses. Not everyone is a slack-jawed yokel. Perhaps if we told the truth a little more, we could allow people to get a little smarter about the world we live in.

Also, trying to solve blind items when you are drunk is a pain in the ass!