Okay, so I was not at the Golden Globe Awards this year, but I was there nine years ago. So, I like to think I have some special insight into the event. Or maybe I just have a lot of bitchy opinions. So here are my annual five awards presented to attendees of the Golden Globe awards tonight:

1. Best Red Carpet duel
With Joan and Melissa off to the annoying slow crawl channel, "What? I'm missing Repotting Plants For Dummies on HGTV?" it was up to Star Jones to fill both of their shoes at the same time for E! "Entertainment" Television. I never caught Star tonight (haven't enough homos caught her already?) because I was glued to the horrible NBC pre-show with former Star co-worker Lisa Ling brought in to pinch-hit in some kind of "View gal Vs. View gal" showdown. Now, when they pit Joan Vs. Melissa, then I am might be interested. Runner-up: Sean Hayes, Matt Le Blanc (and wife), Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen all interviewed simultaneously on NBC, with Le Blanc and Sheen both nominees in the same category. Awkward? Not for Sean Hayes who saw no problem with it. But the interviewer was concerned about talking to four people at once (mentally omitting the only non-famous member of the group in her head).

2. Most Single
Poor Portia de Rossi seemed to be date-free at the event. No Ellen? No man? No nobody to stand by her side during pictures. I guess she isn't QUITE ready for her role as Anne Heche II: Taller, Curlier and Loreal. Runner up: The Golden Globe awards themselves without producer Dick Clark. I guess Dick's stroke wasn't so minor after all. The show just wasn't the same without him running around anxiously pushing the "zaniness" along. It was sweet that they dedicated the show to him and wished he got well soon. Oh wait.. that didn't happen.

3. Strangest Couple
The flip side of strangely single deRossi, was the oddest couple of the evening. Nine years ago, I witnessed two studio executives watch Kate Winslet (the most nominated actress under the age of 30 in Academy history) and Alicia Silverstone ("I'm Batgirl!") talking. One of them turned to the other and casually said, "They look like sisters." Suddenly, a crazy lightbulb went on over both of their heads and it is a miracle Kate took Titanic instead of being woefully miscast in something with Alicia. This year, the strangest couple was Cate Blanchett chatting on the red carpet with a very animated David Hasselhoff. Now what the HELL would they have to say to one another? Runner-Up: Eternal favorites Joan and Melissa. Why does Melissa have any kind of career at all?

4. Hottest new hottie
The Golden Globes have a tradition of displaying someone's daughter as "Ms Golden Globes" each year. This year, it was Clint Eastwood's zaftig daughter Kathryn. However, she doesn't get the hottie of the year award. That distinction goes, unlikely enough, to Robin Williams' 21 year old son Zachary, who was hot hot hot. Runner up for Hottest New Hottie: that "Desperate Housewives" executive producer who was hiding behind Marc Cherry and that less hot other Executive Producer. I'd like to know if that hottie producer can type or even spell. What a dreamboat.

5. Most unnecessary moment
Watching Teri Hatcher win for Best Actress in a Comedy Series for "Desperate Housewives" at the exact moment a new episode of "Desperate Housewives" aired to twice the ratings on another network. Why bother? Runner up: Robin William feted by old friends Pierce Brosnan (who?) and Mike Nichols (why?) while genuine old friends like Whoopi Goldberg and Billy Crystal were busy on Broadway and other old friends like John Belushi ("Wait here and I'll get an ambulance") and Christopher Reeve (ditto) were something more than physically unavailable.

Hope you enjoyed the show as much as I did. Good night, kids!